I need to emphasize right at the start that I'm not an aeronautical expert. I can't figure out how a plane flies without flapping its wings like a bird, so it will come as no surprise that I don't understand the new airline policies about luggage.

If you've traveled by plane recently you know that most airlines, in an effort to counter rising fuel costs, are now charging passengers anywhere from $25 to $100 to check a second suitcase.

I thought perhaps the airlines were encouraging passengers to pack lighter so the planes would weigh less and therefore use less gas.

But when I recently flew from Rochester to Dayton our flight was delayed taking off while they added ballast to the plane because, as the pilot happily informed us, the passengers “didn't check enough luggage."

Excuse me. Did you want me to check a second suitcase or not? Because I had a lot of stuff I could have packed if I knew you needed more weight. I just didn’t want to pay an extra $25 to haul three pair of black boots, a khaki jacket and two pair of jeans through the friendly skies, just in case I changed my mind about what I wanted to wear while I was in Ohio.

So I’m not sure what the charge for checking a second suitcase is intended to accomplish, if it’s not to make the planes lighter. Sure, the airlines will generate some additional income - for a while at least, until passengers learn to stuff everything into one suitcase. Then they’ll be forced to start charging us for flight basics, like checking our first suitcase, using the lavatory during a flight, and breathing pressurized cabin oxygen.

First, though, the airlines are trying to save a few bucks by flying more slowly. Southwest, for example, expects to save $42 million this year by extending each flight by two or three minutes.

So let me get this straight. First you make me cram everything I need into one suitcase (and still keep it under 50 pounds) while you turn around and add extra weight to the plane, and now you’re going to fly slower (as if being suspended magically in the atmosphere for hours isn’t nerve-wracking enough already)?

How about a compromise? I’ll agree to pay an extra $25 for a suitcase filled with shoes so that your airline staff doesn’t need to add ballast to the plane, and I’ll be patient and wait three more minutes to get to my destination - if you’ll let me collect tips after my security line strip tease. If I have to remove half of my clothing just to get to my gate I might as well get something in return.

Shoot, with a long enough wait I could make enough to pay for that extra suitcase.