Up On My Soapbox

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This Life - April 2004

* My entry in the Erma Bombeck Humor Writing Contest*

When Good Dust Bunnies Go Bad

by Joanne Brokaw

I think the dust bunnies are planning a takeover.

I saw them today, huddled in the corner, contemplating their next move. But by the time I snuck in to eavesdrop on their conversation, they had scattered to their respective hiding places.

For years we have coexisted in peace, but recently I’ve seen the dust bunnies sneaking around the house, using covert tactics like climbing on the dog to travel from room to room. Occasionally I spy one scurrying across the floor in a desperate attempt to cover as much ground as possible on a single breeze, and I know that they are out there, plotting and scheming.

I’ve tried to subvert their coup by moving the vacuum cleaner to the middle of the dining room in the hopes that the sight of it will scare them into submission. But little by little they have inched their way towards the electric beast, and, noticing its silence, have become immune to its presence in their midst.

The other day I did capture a few rogue scouts who had snuck out from under the recliner on a reconnaissance mission, and I quickly deposited them into the kitchen trash to await their eventual demise on garbage day. But the dog, clearly in on the scheme, tipped over the trashcan and freed them in exchange for a cupcake on the kitchen counter.

It’s clear that the dust bunnies are now holding boot camps throughout the house, preparing for the journey to meet up with their neighboring troops under the sofa where they will survive on stray kernels of popcorn and bits of Fruit Loops while they await the day when they can carry out their mission.

Perhaps they’re attempting a Guinness Book World Record for Largest Gathering of Dust Bunnies in a Non-Desert Country.

Or maybe the plan is more sinister. I’ve heard that dust may actually consist of sloughed off human skin cells. If that’s true, I’m afraid that the dust bunnies are reassembling under the couch, and one morning I’ll come downstairs to find a strange, naked man sitting on the love seat, a dust bunny Frankenstein with a blank look in his eyes and a dry, hacking cough.

Whatever the dust bunnies are up to, I’m going to let them scheme, and when they’ve amassed for their final maneuver, I’ll quietly plug in the electric beast, and dispel with them in one fell swoop.

Unless, of course, they are willing to return quietly to the corners from whence they came - in which case, I’d be willing to negotiate a truce and return the vacuum to the closet where it is desperately needed to hold jackets.

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To see the winning entries, visit http://www.wcpl.lib.oh.us/adults/erma2004winners.html. With 1,200 entries in two categories, I’m pretty sure the judges simply overlooked my wonderful entry.

You’ve reached a This Life ARCHIVE page. For reprint information, visit www.joannebrokaw.com